


A Car, A Torch, A Death

by aawake_atnight



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Character Death, Crying, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Songfic, acceptance of death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-12 14:34:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21477943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aawake_atnight/pseuds/aawake_atnight
Summary: A songfic! Pretty short still, when I get more time I'm going write a longer story, maybe something angsty. Probably going to be part of a series.Kudos are very much appreciated!
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	A Car, A Torch, A Death

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The air begins to feel a little thin, as I start the car, and then I begin

Phil slipped his seat-belt over himself, hands shaky. Why didn't Dan tell him? Did he know what would happen?

To add the miles piled up behind me, I barely feel a smile deep inside me.

Maybe Phil had thought wrong. He thought Dan was the one, he thought Dan wanted to stay with him. So when he got mixed up in the wrong crowd.. why didn't he tell Phil? Phil drove over the hills and though the valleys of the countryside, aware, but not in the moment. 

He was in his thoughts, more than he was in the physical world. He wiped away tears that had started to slip down his face.

And I begin to envy the headlights driving south, I want to crack the door so I can just fall out..

Cars flew by him on the opposite side of the small road. Just one or two. And Phil looked over the edge of the cliff as he drove, sighing. Dan had loved the countryside, the view, the crisp air.

But then I remember when you packed my car, you reached in the back and buckled up your heart…

It had been a week and a half since it happened. Phil hadn't been able to get out of bed for the first week, numb and unconscionably heartbroken. After he started to come around, to accept that Dan was really... gone.. no, he still hadn't accepted it. After he started to rationalize it, he could move again. He could bring himself to eat and sleep again. Today was the first day he left their-.. his flat.

for me to drive away with.. I began to understand why God died.

And he still had the little heart shaped locket. He had given it to Dan . Dan had taken it off the day he left. Phil found it on the kitchen counter next to a note, written in a curly, almost illegible font. Dans handwriting. The letter had been crinkled along the edges, and he could see faint teardrops staining the ink through the paper. He hadn't opened it.

The demon sat there waiting on her porch. It was a little dark so he held a makeshift torch,

It was in the middle of the night. He couldn't have even waited to let Phil kiss him one last time, for Phil to hear his laugh, for Phil to look at the man he was still so deeply in love with. And he resented Dan for that, he hated himself too. Dan had managed to slip out of his arms without Phil noticing, he must have written that letter, and he left without Phil noticing. He wore one of Phils shirts and a pair of black leggings, his converse and Phils lion socks, and a light, black, zip up jumper.

And when my car was far out of sight, he crept in her room and stayed there for the night.

The tears were coming faster now. He pulled over into a little grassy space, tire marks from their past adventures faded, but there nonetheless. Dan loved sitting out here and watching the stars. Phil loved watching the sunset. The lot was right across from where the road turned away from the cliffs side. Phil turned off the car and leaned his forehead 

against the steering wheel, hands still gripping the worn leather.

And then I felt chills in my bones, the breath I saw was not my own..

He eventually got out, one hand clasped tenderly around Dans locket, the other tight around the keys. He felt the sharp metal pressing into his skin, but he didn't care.

He took a couple steps, shoving the keys into his jean pockets, pulling his jumper closer around him, trying to block out the chill of the late august night.

He didn't want to accept it, he didn't want to believe it.

I knew the skin that wrapped my frame, wasn't made to play this game.

He walked across the road, stepping over the barrier and walking down the gentle grassy slope. He wished Dan was here. He wished Dan would have told him goodbye, He wished Dan told him what happened.

He probably had though, in that note. The one that Phil hadn't opened. He hadn't touched it. It was still sitting on the counter where Dan had put it.

He sat down on the slightly squashed grass from where they had rolled around previously.

And then I saw him, torch in hand. He laid it out, what he had planned.

The phone call had woken him up. He assumed it was Dan, as he didn’t feel the warmth of the smaller man. 

But when he answered, instead of the soft voice of his lover, he got a grave but kind voice of a woman. ‘Is this Philip Lester?’ she asked, and Phil responded yes. ‘Daniel James Lester’s husband?’ she had asked. He again responded you, flying out of bed, throwing on clothes. Something was wrong.

And then I said ‘ill take the grave, please just send them all my way,’

She had said they needed him to come down to the station. ‘Wheres my husband?’ he had asked.‘I’m sorry, Mr. Lester.’And Phil was out the door in an instant.

and I begin to understand why god died.

~~~~~~~~

The air begins to feel a little thin,

Hours later, dawn approaching, Phil was still sitting in that spot. The tears had stopped, and now he was lying on the ground, one hand outstretched beside him the other hand still around that damn locket that he had left behind. He gazed up at the fading stars, wishing that Dan was beside him.

we’re waiting for the morning to begin,

Phil hoped that Dan could still see him, that he was looking down at Phil. He hoped that Dan wasn’t mad at him, he wished he could know why Dan left.

He wanted to be with Dan again. What was the point of living anymore?

but for now you told me to hold this jar.

He knew that Dan would want him to stay. To live and to be happy, and to forget him.Phil would stay, but he refused to forget the man he loved so dearly. He refused to let his memory die.Phil would stay, knowing that Dan was waiting for him on the other side.

And when I looked inside, i saw it held your heart,

And Phil could feel it. He could feel the presence, just a whisper of a feeling. He could feel Dan, he thought, he could feel it. Maybe he was making it up, be he swore he could feel it.He looked around, eyes searching for the source, but unsurprisingly finding nothing. No one was there.

Not physically.

for me to walk away with.

Phil let his eyes slip shut, feeling somehow more peaceful than minutes before. Even without Dan, life would go on. Phil's career would continue, the fans weren’t leaving him just yet. And he was grateful for that. He would be able to distract himself. He would still have Pj and Chris and Louise. Phil wouldn’t ever forget Dan, but he’d be able to live, even without him. 

I begin to understand why god died.

And what Phil didn’t know was Dan was with him. He was right beside him, hand clasped around Phil's outstretched one. Tears slipped down Dans face, because he knew Phil couldn’t see him. He felt horrible, and he was trying to alleviate Phil's guilt.

It wasn’t his fault. It was never his fault.

He would be with Phil, until it was his time to join Dan.

~fin~


End file.
